Where have you been? No one asked, or at least someone did, but it was a rhetorical question and who answers one of those? I’ve been away with my thoughts for the last 2 weeks, preparing over sumptuous meals for simple folk like myself, far too much food and booze, far too much spent on stuff we don’t relly need, but the kids were happy, the mothers were happy, and now ive got ulcers in my mouth from over compensation and smiling inanely for what feels like weeks and weeks. I joined a Neighbourhood app before Christmas and mistakenly purchased some fairy lights to put onto the outside of our house to show to other people I’m having a good time. Like pampas grass for swingers, it’s swinging lights for the Fun monitors. I needed some clips to attach the lights to the gutter and a ladder. My neighbour lent me the ladder, but he’d run out of clips, so I asked another neighbour who also didn’t have any prompting me to use the new App I was recently a member of and still enjoying the honeymoon period; people are still sending me virtual party poppers, whatever the fuck they do. So I mentioned my Christmas lights and how I had to look cheerful infront of everyone else, all in jest, but slightly not all in jest, and how I needed clips to attach them to the gutter (google it, I think its different in America and Canadia). I started to get actual replies instead of virtual celebrations although I did get some emoji lights, which didn’t help and some clinking beer glasses which again, has no bearing on my life without gutter clips. A man from in the village told me he had some, he would leave them on his porch in a jar, and I was welcome to collect them, but I didn’t know where he lived and when I was trying to reply to him I was about to do karaoke for the first time in 25 years at the pub and was pretty drunk at the time, and hence couldn’t work the app, new as I was to it’s nuances. Another person told me I could go to the shop and buy some for £1, which I knew, and I have £1, but the whole point was to ask a neighbour; to build bridges, not divide people on economic grounds as to wether or not they can afford to buy these things from the shop for £1, which shop? I’d have to travel a distance, probably to the Range, which would mean I’d spend a shit load of other money on stuff I have no need for, last summer I purchased a hot tub for fucks sake when I only went in for some crisps for my son. I’m not decadent; the crisp selection in The Range its better than the supermarkets since Brexit and I have a very unstable personality, with a propensity to spunking money where it isn’t needed, the illusion of a luxurious outside leisure area, soon wearing off as the winter rain perpetually beats onto our back porch. The hot tub half emptied and waiting to be cleaned as the rains prevent me from cleaning the thing before the Arctic weather settles in and another Beast from the East takes up column inches in our newspapers while our politicians tell us theres nothing to see here. I managed to get hold of the clip man the morning after and made sure to walk the dog prior to meeting him to try and give myself some sort of normalcy as I stumbled down the road with the Saturday paper which I would later use to light the fire. Someone on the App then suggested to me,

“I hope I’m not over stepping the mark, but you sound like you’re going to be lonely this Christmas, and would I like to go and have lunch with Derek and his mother in Malvern” 

This person suggesting this wasn’t Derek or his Mum ( I don’t think) but someone who had seen Derek advertising for volunteers or sad folk to come and join him at Christmas. I managed to put this one to Bed, telling them i’ve got both elderly mothers coming over and so I’d have troubles of my own, thanks but no thanks, on this occasion, who knows maybe Derek and his Mum may like me for a week or so in January.

And then who would believe it, someone posted about an assailant who is shooting at domestic cats in Whitbourne with an air rifle, injuring and killing potentially. I suggested to Mrs T whilst hungover with the dregs of some karaoke port sloshing round my system, posting a reply to them that I heard someone in the pub asking around where he could get hold of a cat to roast for Christmas. Needless to say Mrs T told me to shut up and make her a cup of tea.

I’ve done other stuff too over this festive period, but theres far too much to discuss now and its Saturday tomorrow, meaning I will wake up far too early and miss out on a much needed lie in, so I need to go upstairs to Bedfordshire.