Last time shit like that went up my nose was at somebodies 50th or something like that, except this time it was something all together more unpleasant than Peruvian Marching Powder. This morning I had the misfortune to flick a bolus of Chappie (dog food) up my nose just at the point of sniffing; I was using a knife to scoop the dog food out of the tin and into the bowl were it is lovingly mixed up with working dog dried foodstuff pellets, and accidentally (obviously) I flicked some up my right and strongest nostril, sniffing it up like an addict I was unlucky enough to endure a snorting and spitting episode due to a surfeit of Chappie; a little bit is far too much which I can testify to. Absolutely ruined my first cup of tea and left me quite out of breath.

One morsel of good news realised in a break to my usual drinking, I’m doing dry January in case any of you hadn’t heard, is that I have found it remarkably easy, so far. Which leads me to believe and therefore conclude that I am not an alcoholic and not dependant, which is a relief, although I doubted I was anyway, but I’m pretty sure now. Secondly it has highlighted to me how much liquid I actually drink, water bores me, unless its fizzy, but I love juice, peppermint and licorice tea, cordial (not so much, its more of a child’s drink) and even the non alcoholic beers, not lager, they’re too gassy, in fact most of them leave me that way if I have enough, which generally I do. Thirdly this has led me to realise that I get up for the toilet during the night because I drink so much liquid, but I believe I have quite the cubic capacity and think the washers are in pretty good nick, once the seal has gone its gone, so no need to replace them just yet. So roll out the banners and prepare the ticker tape your celebrated Count is fairly well for a 52 year old and come February we’ll be having a parade through the streets of Clifton as we celebrate moderation in all its forms but with an excess of liquids, not too much beer though! Forthly I have lost absolutely no weight at all since I started this caper, I imagine it’ll drop off in week 3 and 4, which start on Monday. Either that or I’m at my optimum weight height Biomass levels and theres not much I can do to alter things, we do bulk up over the winter right? Like a fat literate bear I sit on my chair writing this in a state of conscious hibernation, maintaining the bulk to keep warm. I’ve walked a lot so far this month too, and once again plan to have walked 1000 miles before bonfire night, Nov 5th that is for those of you who don’t celebrate the thwarting of the blowing up of the Houses of Parliament, God knows we could do with some of that now! I don’t really mean that, it’s just a joke, but I do wish that most of the Tory party would wriggle off into Exile somewhere, somewhere awful; North Korea is the obvious choice. But like my chances of winning the lottery they’re pretty long odds.