Software update over the weekend at work is always a joy on the following Monday Morning. Especially so this Monday as we were told that the update was not going to affect our part of the business and was more centred on some other department. The usual turning on of the laptops, tentatively wondering if I would find myself in a loop of closing down and rebooting for a good hour waiting for the updates to be “advertised” to my particular laptop, a lottery, with no one knowing if they’re first or last in the queue or somewhere in between. Today was no exception, with 2/3 of my team unable to do anything work wise today as they wait for data or they wait for the IT dynorod team to clean out the pipes stuffed full of data bergs dripping in useless code and numerous intranet updates, each one predating the one which came before. More systems, more processes, more ways to access the same thing which confuses and frustrates me no end. The systems change, management change, colleagues die and colleagues disappear, one particular senior manager seems to have vanished without trace; the one who when he introduced him self gave his full name and then his nick name by which he prefers to be called. Well let me tell you, so called “Mac”, I’ll decide when and if I call you by that name, you’ve got to earn that name, like the rips in a pair of jeans you’ve worn to death, you don’t just buy them off the shelf, unless you go to Primark in which case you can, suffice to say you are a Primark Senior Manager and if you have vanished I’d like to hope you’re not coming back. Bi-Monthly photographs of your progression through the various coloured judo belts does not endear you to the staff. You appear needy and cheap; and for that reason I hate you, and I wish one day your dental hygenist tells you that your jaw is Ossifying at an alarming rate and so you will no longer be able to offer that smug chin smile of yours in public and joyfully your very poor conference introducer quips will be forever silenced. May you cease to function during the day time preferring to roam the  nocturnal passage ways of some dreadful racist midland town. 

So if you’re reading this yourself or if anyone who knows him is then please accept my thanks for not appearing in my emails for some time.