May 9th 2019

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Some woodland news as I’ve been neglecting it, and you as I’m sure you’re dying to know what’s going down in Shrawley Wood Town. The Bluebells are on the way out, the brambles are growing like Tsunamis at the side of the paths held back by the word of the Ministry; these paths are not for the likes of you, they are hemmed in by sticky sweetheart plants, never able to stretch across the paths which spread like tendrils through the woods, like the Atlantic separating Europe and Africa from America; similar species exist on either side of the paths. What i’m saying is that the paths have been created by plate tectonics under the woods, and for those of you that care, that is a Dubious Fact of the Day I thought up as I was walking this evening.

Theres some bloody evil looking flies too, this one looks as though he’d bite you and steal your house keys to get to the cider in the fridge, nasty bastard. You do know that for every one person on this planet there are exactly 14 million flies of various colours and creeds, they will only proliferate as the apocalypse nears. But I’ll be ok because i’ll be listening to some ambient music in my lounge; flies prefer Gabba techno.

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I was in a house in some woodland today sorting out a land dispute with an elderly couple, they made me tea and gave me biscuits and so I went the extra mile and left them happy with the situation and reassured that there would be nothing to worry about. It was a bit touch and go for a while as we clambered up a hill through bluebells with a sprinkling of forget me nots, me behind, him infront. We got to the top and he let out a fart. But, being of a certain vintage thought nothing of it and then walked off up the track dropping fart gas and pumping with every step, he got to about 10 metres away, turned and looked at me,

“Better out than in”

And that was all that was said about the matter, quite right, if a chap can’t fart in his own woods then what is the world coming to? He then started to tell me about haw he found his drains and water supply which were both buried in trenches on the land. Divining Rods he reckoned, swears by them. I though to myself, I must have a go at this, all I need is a couple of coat hangers bent into 2 L shapes, then off we go. Holding each rod in each hand (we only have 2 hands here in Worcestershire) the short part of the L in the fist, the long part out front, loose in the fist so they can move left and right. Walk about the land and when they twitch, move together, then you are above water. Pure witchcraft.

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Just before I forget, the jar with Luke Skywalker disappeared the other day, thank God for us all N found it and put it back where it should be, both items remain intact! Thats over a year they’ve survived which is longer than any of the other bits and bobs in the woods, due in part to the enemy who seem to take delight in stealing the precious things and icons relevant to our jam.

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