Colin was a very well connected Paranoid Agoraphobic Hypochondriac and as such rarely stepped foot out of his bedsit where he nested above “Babies R Us”. He hated his flat; He hated the cheerful chatter from the new Mums, he could tell it was cheerful as they laughed a lot, he hated laughter, was it something he had done? could they see him behind his shabby curtains as he sat in his underpants watching re-runs of Ronnie Corbet comedy shows? “The Two Ronnies” was good but “Sorry” was his absolute favourite and if he felt like it “No Sex Please We’re British”, an absolute classic. Other than that he spent all his time on his grubby iPhone trawling for “friends”and trolling “friends” on his numerous social media accounts.
Everyone outside and downstairs chattering could see or at least hear him, he was sure of that, he must invest in some headphones; across the retail park to Tandy, which he needed to work himself up to, he’d do it another day. The bumper box of Pringles had nearly run out anyway, he’d wait till it was dark, that way no one could see the stains on his tracksuit.
He hated the way the shop below spelt it’s name, have they no respect for the English Lexicon? It was just plain fucking lazy and encouraged sloppiness with the mums whose brains will have been turned to mush anyway with all the baby talk and inane conversations about Prams and baby food, nappies and vomit, shit and the changing facilities in this toilet and the lack of changing facilities in that toilet. What a shower.
Just yesterday as he was letting some some clean air in from the open window just above the back to front “R” as he was lying on the frayed brown cord carpet his head propped up on a 4 cushions as his neck brace cut into his shoulders, he’d had an accident and it wasn’t his fault, the bus had lurched forward last week and he was claiming for whiplash. With the window open he could hear the voices clearly:
“Oh my god have you seen the Bugaboo? It can take 2 kids just like that, you can almost forget they were there at all.”
“I’ve seen it, just swallowed Fleur’s kids up”
“The Red one looks small but don’t be fooled, it’s massive, and they’re all over the place…”
This was too much to bare for Colin, he rolled over peeped out of the window and slammed shut the window.
The Bugaboo was evidently very vicious and needed to be made public before it Ramified across the town and then the rest of the midlands.
He took to the social media with gusto….
The Mums walked across the car park pushing their shabby prams, disheartened that they couldn’t afford the Bugaboo.