The opening gambit for him and his friend was to enter the school office coughing and complaining of a headache, the sweatiness would probably come with the nerves, at least he hoped so. In an effort to impress her he was feigning illness to skive off and get top the gym, his Mum was a soft touch and would probably buy him a Macdonald’s. She worked flexible hours, which meant to him that she would be at his beck and call, never mind bringing in the money to pay for his lavish lifestyle of designer t-shirts and, lets be honest, pretty ropey jewellery.

Yes he thought, she’d be here before the teachers could fathom out what his plan was and before you’d know it he’d be in the gym pumping iron, and goggling at all the “Yummy Mummies” trying to get back into shape after a couple of years sitting in cafes gorging on cake whilst the children rolled around in ball filled piss smelling play pens. He’d read a story in a magazine and they were all gagging for it.

At the gym, he was checking out some chick’s bottom as it rose up and down up and down on the cross trainer. He was in a trance and didn’t see her friend watching him from the side.

“Take your eyes off her you dirty bastard!” she said squirting water at him, prompting him to jump up, the bulge in his shorts prominent.

Everyone turned, everyone looked, the owner of the gym looked,

“GET OUT, YOU’RE BARRED”

Turns out the lady on the cross trainer was his old Chemistry teacher on maternity leave, she knew his mum, his fake id wouldn’t be much use in this or any other gym in town now. He never did get the MacDonald’s.