I woke up, normally, this is what happens, my turn for tea, and there was none, no bags. So I had a coffee and it buggered up my ablutions until at least 10;30. This proves I am addicted to tea, between 6 and 7am.
Driving to the shop I saw a couple of gents by the roadside, the boot open and their fishing equipment sitting in the gateway to the field. I thought to myself I would check if they were ok when I returned if they were still there. Got the tea bags, the milk, the I, and they were still there, looking into their phones cursing their rotten luck.
I stopped, asked what was up and took note of the two chaps; a bearded man and a chap with a steristrip over his left eye. Steristrip man was a worry but the bearded man was cool, so far as I could make out. This is how the conversation went as far as I can remember.
- Steristrip Man= SM
- Bearded Man= BM
M. Alright folks, whats up?
BM. (wearily) Flat tyre.
SM. (Slightly Crossly) Have you got a wheel brace?
M. What’s a wheel brace? Do you mean a spanner to take the wheel off?
SM. Well yes, No it’s called a wheel brace (with an air of superiority towards my lack of wheel knowledge)
M. What are you doing?
BM. We’ve got a 150 peg competition at Larford this morning.
SM. Where’s your wheel brace.
M. (remembering why i’m talking to these two, and opening my boot and getting all of my stuff out) It might be under here (lifting up the false bottom in my car where the spare tyre is kept) Oh no, wheres my spare wheel? Theres no spanners or anything here.
SM. (impatiently looking and tutting, exasperated) There its in the side by the lights.
M. (tentatively feeling around for a latch to undo the secret cubby hole where the precious things for temporary fixing of the car are kept) Well there it is, theres a jack and whats this? (as I struggle to get a rectangular package out from the cubby hole)
SM: (raising his voice) There’s a catch, there’s a catch.
M. (Raising eyebrows to BM) Ok ok (I move the rectangular package, and an aerosol can with a hooter shaped apperatus on the top.
BM. (Picking up the can and starting to read it)
SM. Where’s the Wheel Brace, is it there, let me look.
M. (Giving way and moving a safe distance from this psycho in the making) Where is it? Jesus why haven’t you got a Wheel Brace?
M. Company car mate, we’re not allowed to change our wheels anymore, H&S.
BM. (makes agreeing noises and nods)
M. Where have you come from?
BM. Plymouth this morning (which is miles away) and without a Wheel Brace.
SM. (Cross at his own incompetence of forgetting to bring a Wheel Brace) Well have you got a socket set?
M. (by this time regretting ever having stopped for these pair; BM is ok but SM is a right twat) Sorry mate, Ive got very few tools at home, I hate DIY and spend all my money on records and tradesmen to do the job if it needs doing.
SM. (Fixing me with a pitiful gaze) Well what can we do?
M. There’s a house there and about 4 others next to it, he’s a Dentist I’m sure he’d have a spanner. He’s bound to be up, he’s got a lovely Labrador.
SM. It’s a Wheel Brace, God I hate dogs.
BM. (starts to walk to the house) Cheers mate, thanks for stopping.
M. (picking all the stuff up and looking at the maze of wire and elastic ties in the unpacked boot of my car, and thinking I must clean this out) Cheers yourself, good luck, hope you get it sorted and catch lots of fish. Will you be eating them this evening?
SM. It’s sport fishing, we put them back, its not a matter of survival.
M. (slightly taken aback) Oh ok, well good luck (getting into the car and driving off, opening the window and flicking the v’s at SM as I drive off) Some people are so rude.