Given the magnitude of the thing; the lack of an ability to see an ending to this thing, the constant repetition of restriction, release, restriction, release, restriction, release, restriction, release, restriction, and so on. Who knows where it will end. The constant erosion of Hope as the leaders of the free world warble and posture, telling us this will all end well. How the fuck do they know more than me? The science was clear from the start, the more infected folk there are, the more folk will be infected and even if we get it down to a few people with the disease, all it takes is for those few to get out and start it all over again and again and again.

I see no holidays, I see no immediate visits to friends in the north west, i’m doubting i’ll see my folks for Christmas. Its all fucked up and there doesn’t seem to be anything we can do about this except more of what we’ve been doing for the last 8 months. Lockdown, bring the infected down, open up and the infections go up. We’re treading water with our pyjamas on in some hideous school swimming test allowing us to get into the big pool, but we’ll never get there, not now, not until a vaccine and out pyjamas get heavier and heavier as our legs tire and we sink.

I feel strange and unusual, not in a good way. There’s lots to do with the house move, the solicitors, online forms, forms sent through the post, developers, fucking developers, promises of wardrobes, turf, not grass seed, but then its November soon, will turf survive? I’m not a gardener, I just draw squares and help folk to understand what they own, its not important what I do, just that I do it and feel sometimes I’m making a difference.

Feeling increasingly flat, just flat, unable to find as much humour in this escalating shit show of rule. Feels like the apocalypse, feels like Gilead is just around the corner. I find it very hard to understand how we can continue to run the earth as we seem to think we can, like the olden days, its only the flu, but its obviously not you bunch of morons, this wouldn’t have happened if it was just the flu.

So far about 45000 have died in the UK, and i’m sat here, working outside, my job still scrutinised by the fucking corporation, while people are no longer alive, my performance judged against last years results and this years progress without a glance at the situation we have been in for the whole year. Capitalism sucks, and yet we’re moving house and buying right into it, feeding the horse, scoffing at the trough, and we have no idea what the future holds. Possibly steered by the soothsayers who assume that things will stay the same when things fall back into place, as people make plans for weekends away in May, and parties in June.

I hope to Shit it happens, but there is no crystal ball, the rolling 6 month empty optimism rolls on, without any evidence to the contrary. It’s the politics of empty parenthood; lying to the kids just to shut them up and to keep us sweet. Telling the truth that we have no fucking idea may well be bleaker in spades but will ultimately be refreshing in terms of where we are going.

We have no idea, which is true, but don’t tell us that everything will be rosy in March, because you know as much as I do. The only thing we know is that we don’t know.