Sri Lanka, 2026. 9 people from 2 families travelled to Sri Lanka and made their way North, their destination Jaffna, but first this… The White House, Anuradhapuram. Our first stay in Negombo was lovely, but under the situation of late nights, football, far too much to drink and a long flight the hotel wasn’t appreciated for its loveliness, this place however… well I’ve never stayed anywhere like it for sure. Two plaster cast life-size queens guardsmen flank the front door, we arrived and laughed. We walked in and theres chandeliers everywhere, pastel and brown coloured 80’s style sofas and a slick cold faux marble floor. We were given some cold tea with a chocolate ice cream floater covered in 100’s and 1000’s and were told we had to drink this before they escorted us floor by floor, room by room to where we were to stay, chests puffed out with pride. We took the honey moon suite, we’re not on honeymoon but the plaster cast hearts on the ceiling, the twin wooden intertwined hearts above the bed with twinkling lights, the circular ended bed, the telephone and telly in the shower, the pink carnations stuck all over the walls and ceiling and the balcony adjoining our neighbours was just too much to resist.

Cons:

Far too many scattercussions, microscattercussions, hearts and love everywhere, a bolster; presumably for sex people, wooden heart shaped drawers, wooden heart themed wardrobes about 8 feet tall, a shower with a telly in, and a phone just next to the toilet… send more toilet roll. The shower door opens inwards and the shower head is approximately 8ft tall too, so its a jump and nudge to get it pointing in the right direction which is probably why it was pointing in the wrong direction when we arrived. Upon closer inspection the flashing hearts above the bed have no off switch, the love never stops here even if you must succumb to epilepsy. I stood on the bed, propped myself between the side wall and back wall and stood on the head board ledge, where I could look over the top of the hearts. I’m searching for the mechanism you fools but all I can find is a dusty metal unit with grill and wires feeding to and from, wires connected two a plastic connecting cube and no on or off switch. This precarious stance I found myself in was possibly going to end with me tearing the 2 ton wooden hearts from the wall and being crushed to death on my bed, I had to leave things as they were and look at other ways to stop the epileptic motor. No switches worked in the room to turn them off and there were several dummy switches, presumably turning the fridge off next door. So the only way to stop it is to flip the trip switch for the lights; all of the lights and then fumble around in the dark for toilet relief/ whatever. Trip switch it is then.

In my son’s room they’ve got a shower but they have no plug for the water to go to, showering in feet scum, but they have got a jacuzzi bath; every cloud. But it didn’t cost much; £260 for two nights and 9 people, 4 rooms. Do the math.

The irony is the faux opulence and tackiness would fit very well in another classless White House, I think we know who we’re talking about.

More to follow