March 10th 2020


C’s least favourite creature; the frog/toad, botanists speak up, was lurking on the paths of the wood today. We saw 3 really close to each other and C ran away screaming, she really hates amphibians, probably not Newts, I don’t know where she stands on them, I’ll ask and let you, oh millions of readers, know what she says. Turns out the frogs have been busy, the first traces of frogspawn have been sighted in some puddles, considering how much rain we’ve had over these last months, theres not a great deal of standing puddles. Maybe the tractor flattened the puddles when they widened the paths, the bastards trying to encourage hours of walkers to visit the Shrawley super highway cutting swathes of mega footpaths across the wood. Its the frogs who’ll suffer, then the birds will go and then the deers, the trees will fall down and we may as well concrete the bloody lot. Make a car park why don’t we.

I visited a supermarket today, again the toilet roll aisle was bereft of paper, so I took a more careful look round; the paracetamol was all gone, the bagged rice, pretty much all gone, all the UHT milk; gone. Funny thing is there’s plenty of food, nice food, folk are sitting in their sitting rooms surrounded by toilet roll, sitting on toilet roll and eating their food off packs of toilet roll, whilst drinking tea with UHT milk, finding it gives them severe headaches and eating 8 paracetamol a day to try to dull the pain. No one seems to  have plundered the pot noodles, theres plenty of that stuff left.

If the apocalypse comes I’m going to drink black tea, black coffee, drink water to rid me of headaches from inhaling all the fibres from the toilet rolls as they dry out, because i’m doing my toilet like I used to in India all those years ago, my bottom never felt so good.

The panic buying today lacks the real element of actual panic behind it; there’s plenty of stuff available at the moment, the time to panic will be when the country goes into Lockdown, and the provisions don’t get in, that’s the time to panic, for the real experience. Thats when all the hardcore panickers come out, you’ll see the supermarkets stripped like a plague of locusts have swarmed through. Later an actual plague of locusts will swarm through, thats what happens when the world implodes.

I shall carry on as normal, shirking the use of a shopping list, and spending my money on what ever pops into my head while I’m thinking of records as I stroll round Tescos, it’s served me thus far, neither well nor badly, but that’s how I like it. Having said that my daughter told me there was a fight in a supermarket in Worcestershire today. Christ help us all, we live in a nation of utter morons.

One comment

  1. I’ll correct that…we live in a world of utter morons, which doesn’t bode well for our species as the planet might decide to get rid of us before we destroy it (doubtless by cutting down too many trees to build toilet roll mountains). It’s no wonder I become more and more reclusive over the years and would rather spend time with my dog walking in the woods (whilst they’re still there). I’m far more likely to run from a supermarket than frogs and toads!


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