Year Zero: Day 76

If you could spin what’s happening into the most ridiculous yarn for the insects of the future who climbed down from the trees and developed languages and a socialist society where all are treated the same be they locust, grasshopper, cricket or cicada. Well, they wouldn’t believe it.


A Wasp in the Stripe House has told the crickets to get their bats and attack the grasshoppers, they’re the same species but the wasp in charge is completely insane, and believes that Insectorial unrest is quelled with a can of “Off” and a curfew to make sure people go to bed on time and watch the telly like good worker bees. the Bees never gave him any issues.

Back to where we are right now, immediately in the present where we find ourselves, queuing for everything, the Brits are good at this , we are polite but sarcastic, which kind of negate each other and have an unsettling effect. Do we actually mean anything we actually say? Or, are we incredibly rude, as a nation of queuers? Yesterday the nations favourite Sweedish furniture shops opened and reports of queues several miles long snaking back and forth, back and forth across car parks in hopefulness of bagging that desk and table lamp you’ve never really needed. Let’s face it you’ll never be a (insert carreer path here), the new desk will just bide you time until the next procrastination comes along. Ikea, an ordeal and torturous place as it is, unless you go on a Tuesday at 2pm, has become the national shop, as chicken tikka masala became the national dish. A good citizen loves a shop with the same pattern and route through it, ultimately leading to the place where they sell you the meat balls, which some folk apparently queued for over 5 hours today at Warrington to snag. If that isn’t a national scandal I don’t know what is. We have designs on an outdoor furniture suite, because the weather is so inclement here, the chances of using the soft soft furnishings, will be snatched a little here and there. Seems to me a good pandemic is what we need for fine weather.

So with the impending possibility of having to stand in a massive carpark hanging over my head, in the near future, an unspecified time, the thinking in the Froggers HQ is to see if we can click and collect, but this may warrant the need for a van, which could escalate the cost of this exercise, and the time of the exercise, I’m a busy man wishing I could settle into retirement which i’ve glimpsed, over these last 8 weeks or however long this thing has lasted, through the velvet curtains. So a trip to Ikea seems a long way off, for me, I can seriously say I don’t think I’m ready.

I’ve failed, as the whole family has, to get hold of some “Windolene” these past few months, we’ve each of us been out, to get some, vinegar and newspaper just can’t cut the mustard, and so now we have 5 bottles of multi surface cleaner. Can we clean the windows with that? I’m too old to be bothering with reading the instructions on the squirt bottle, someone will soon buckle, someone will have to clean the inside windows, I’m pretty sure I can ignore the mist, the opaqueness as I have eyesight, not as sharp as I did when I was in my 20’s, but someone will try it, someone will use the multi surface cleaner, maybe even the green bottle instead of the clear just to prove a smearing point. This whole situation could have been prevented if we could get hold of some Windolene.

Watch this space folks.

Black lives matter.



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