I am now officially the heaviest I’ve ever been in all of my 48 and a bit years on this planet. Like a juggernaut through the fogs of lockdown I have been hurtling ever closer to the glutton sun, my proud tummy dragging me further south, gravity my enemy, meat and probably beer my comfort, portion control has taken a rest as the portion controller has been told to work from home and like a desperate tinder flicker I have been send int old photographs of when I was skinny as a rake in my 20’s until my 40’s. That’s when the rot set in. Children and, well, children.

I’m feeling sluggish, lethargic and weighty, I seem to be expending more energy dragging my naked 83.5kg around the woods (not that I walk naked, thats my unladen, unburdened weight).

So folks its time to put all this behind me, I can not go past my elastic limit of 83.5kg, I may never come back to Svelte foul mouthed minister in charge of Shrawley, I could be deposed and sit heavily in the corner with jam around the corners of my mouth, looking back and thinking, “whoops” I think I’ve probably over indulged a little too much in my 40’s. Middle age spread I believe it’s called, but today I woke up feeling like I need to do something, my t-shirts are riding up above my midriff and I’m receiving a not too unpleasant breeze as I walk along. If I can feel it, they can see it, maybe if they look hard enough.

Things I must address, in no particular order:

• meat and portion control
• eating more vegetables
• avoiding brown, beige and any derivatives therein of such foods (eggs are not included, their shells are brown, i don’t eat them, I’m not a savage)
• Walk more. If I can walk at 3-4mph, I could do an early, say 6am, 3 or 4 mile walk pre dog walk at 8:10.
• Walking is better than running.
• Beer; let’s try another 0% binge and see where that gets me.
• Routine, write more, watch less telly, especially stay away from binge watching Netflix stuff, maybe films may be the way forward. Investing 30 hours into a series is a lot of effort.
• Get my paid work done, no more, that needs to become background noise, white noise.
• Start selling old CDs (possibly)
• Stop vaping? (Not sure about this, I’ve always needed a crutch)

That’s it for now, I’m not a super human, neither do I want to freewheel towards retirement which is nearly 2 decades away for me, so theres plenty of time left to lark about still, but beach presentable is where I need to be and somehow stay.