Fat Lump; Dead Mould Walking.

31F2F688-9DA8-4CA4-9AED-263F6B0BCF72_1_201_aI am now officially the heaviest I’ve ever been in all of my 48 and a bit years on this planet. Like a juggernaut through the fogs of lockdown I have been hurtling ever closer to the glutton sun, my proud tummy dragging me further south, gravity my enemy, meat and probably beer my comfort, portion control has taken a rest as the portion controller has been told to work from home and like a desperate tinder flicker I have been send int old photographs of when I was skinny as a rake in my 20’s until my 40’s. That’s when the rot set in. Children and, well, children.

I’m feeling sluggish, lethargic and weighty, I seem to be expending more energy dragging my naked 83.5kg around the woods (not that I walk naked, thats my unladen, unburdened weight).

So folks its time to put all this behind me, I can not go past my elastic limit of 83.5kg, I may never come back to Svelte foul mouthed minister in charge of Shrawley, I could be deposed and sit heavily in the corner with jam around the corners of my mouth, looking back and thinking, “whoops” I think I’ve probably over indulged a little too much in my 40’s. Middle age spread I believe it’s called, but today I woke up feeling like I need to do something, my t-shirts are riding up above my midriff and I’m receiving a not too unpleasant breeze as I walk along. If I can feel it, they can see it, maybe if they look hard enough.

Things I must address, in no particular order:

  • meat and portion control
  • eating more vegetables
  • avoiding brown, beige and any derivatives therein of such foods (eggs are not included, their shells are brown, i don’t eat them, I’m not a savage)
  • Walk more. If I can walk at 3-4mph, I could do an early, say 6am, 3 or 4 mile walk pre dog walk at 8:10.
  • Walking is better than running.
  • Beer; let’s try another 0% binge and see where that gets me.
  • Routine, write more, watch less telly, especially stay away from binge watching Netflix stuff, maybe films may be the way forward. Investing 30 hours into a series is a lot of effort.
  • Get my paid work done, no more, that needs to become background noise, white noise.
  • Start selling old CDs (possibly)
  • Stop vaping? (Not sure about this, I’ve always needed a crutch)

That’s it for now, I’m not a super human, neither do I want to freewheel towards retirement which is nearly 2 decades away for me, so theres plenty of time left to lark about still, but beach presentable is where I need to be and somehow stay.


  1. Weight gain. The bane of middle age, modern life and 2020 pandemic lockdown.
    I had surgery to lose weight 2 years ago. Sugar was my problem, and for some time after surgery, the need reduced. But it does return and too much time at home, pandemic baking and high carbs have caused kilo creep. In there with you buddy!
    Good luck!


  2. Good plan. I am too at my heaviest, and more so than you. I ought to be doing more walking but I can’t be bothered exercising with a mask (I know, what a fuckin whinger!). Plus it’s winter, not like yours, so I don’t want to be cold or rained on while out and about.

    So I guess I’m just gonna be a fat old bitch 😉


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