It’s a massive lottery this life. Living here, in this district of this small town. I happen to know my neighbour, and we recently had a run in over the bins. Its a cliche I know, but these are the things which divide society and I truly believe that because I moved my bin slightly in front of his, in order to allow space for a pram to pass on the pavement, it boiled his piss, and as such things will never be the same again, until he cools down, in the next ice age.

I’ve never pissed on his bins, near his bins or with his bins. I’m not an animal and even so I may have slept under the odd bush in my late teens and early twenties, I’ve never wound someone up so much.

The way I see it, every time I walk past his workshop, I’ve got to run past his workshop, because he said if anyone pisses there then he will smash my head against the bin. It doesn’t seem fair, but then life sometimes isn’t, and all because I moved his bin at bin day, or maybe it’s something else, I wish his girlfriend would stop sunbathing outside my toilet window, and she’s pregnant. So for now, I’ll be walking the long way home, past the college, I think they’ve got the gymnastics trials going on this month.

And he thinks I’m sinister after he saw me voting Tory…