Keen readers will realise that I’m looking to get beach presentable for this summer. I’ve been walking 3 miles a day, at least, in order to try and do so, about a month ago I had lost 3kg, today I have news that I seem to be back to having lost just 1kg. Weight loss seems hard, you’ll understand when you get to my age, it seems that beer and meat are the enemy of tummy fat, merely the scent of a swan sends me mad with rage and I have to go and bag myself one. In the traditional way, if you know you know. Just make sure Elisabeth II gets what she needs.

Last night we took my daughter and her friend out for tapas, in a tapas bar miles away from any other tapas bar in a town miles away form any other town worth its salt, and this town has pretty much nothing to offer to outsiders, every Saturday night after the pubs shut they all congregate in the art deco theatre and have an orgy. The increasing birth rate is how the town lobbies for government money for new educational establishments, so thank heavens for backward communities and bigoted views; its what makes the UK angrier than most Kingdoms, united or not.

So the Tapas cost over £200 for 4 of us; I had 4 pints, “we” had a bottle of white, not house, two higher (if you know you know) and the girls had several cocktails. That was the downfall. We’ll not go there again, i’d rather stick to the local which swells Bathams for £2.50 when the  horn sounds at 5pm for happy hour. 

In cold shower news, which I know you’re all desperate to hear about, the truth is I’ve reached 30 seconds, have done for 4 days now, and things are ok, its cold, but not too bad. Have I lost weight? Barely, it seems that just having a cold section of your shower doesn’t make the weight drop off, even though i’m having it at the end. Lets see what the future holds and possibly all cry, in the words of a Welsh punter who called up the James Whale Telly Show over 30 years ago for what ever reason

“Vagina, I love Anthrax!” (Welsh accent)

He then hung up, and all my days I have no idea why he said what he did, but i’ve kept the phrase in my locker to repeat during awkward dinner party silences.