2016: Johnson is a sure fire winner to take over as leader of the Tory party with Gove (Pob) as personal Fluffer. But then, shock, horror, Gove (Pob) steps in and announces his intention to stand for the leadership too.
2022: Whimpers and Animalistic noises resonate through the garden as Benny, (the Dog), finds a hedgehog loitering on the lawn and tries to eat it, forcing the hedgehog into full battle dress to improve its chances of survival. Benny (the Dog)is told off and sent to his bed, as the hedgehog lies motionless in the shadowy light of the movement sensor activated light. The light goes out and doesn’t turn back on.
July 6th 2022; 9:30. Mophead Shambles and Pob are having a meeting in the cabinet office, they’ve had some eggy bread delivered which has gone cold and some extra strong Nescafe with a couple of “Pro Plus” Liveners are both nearly finished, the dregs cooling down rapidly. Pob racks up yet another couple of lines on the mahogany desk. And the feverish chat turns to future leadership.
Sorry I stood against you back then Johnno.
Think nothing of it, its ancient history Pob.
Really? (Snoooorrrt, sniff sniff, wipes nose with sleeve)
Nah, no problem at all. These fuckers Ive got coming in later are all spineless, they do what I say, without question, useless. Blondie has got a mouth like a fucking Dyson after PMQ’s.
So, we’re good, yes?
Yes, fuck it. I’ve got a plan, everyone who stands by me is tarnished, yes?
And once they nail their colours to my rotting mast, they’re unelectable yes?
And they’ll never get a job in government and will not be eligible for any sort of re-election when I’ve gone.
So, you’ve been pretty quiet recently, no one knows where you are, and you haven’t been vocal in your support for me.
Well, if… (Snnnoort, Sniff, sniff)… Again. If we say you’ve come here this morning to talk me into resigning,
(Pob Racks up another couple of lines) Yep…
Well, then I can sack you.
(Double Snnnoorrrt, Sniff, sniff from both sides of the table)
So I can sack you because they think you’ve told me to resign, and so in the pretty near future you can challenge for the Tory leadership.
Well, you have been quiet, absent in your support for me, I can call you snake in the grass and everyone will think “Ahh Poor Pob” and you’ll be a shoe in.
Its Columbian Logic, my friend. But you must line me up for a job.
But of course. Chancellor? Adjoining houses! We can make this a daily morning event, Coffee and Coke, and then we can both govern with total clarity.
Now you’re talking, right best go, Ive got to tell Zahawe, the new Chancellor to go out and talk to Susanna Reid, he won’t last long.
July 6th nearly midnight, its very nearly bed time and the Hedgehog has vanished from its spot on the lawn, I suspect he won’t be back anytime soon.