So a quick update on the return from paradise and the descent into what is fast becoming pretty grim here in Blighty, the island surrounded by a sea of shit, with the rivers flowing chocolate, but the news is, it ain’t chocolate folks. Thank God I practiced paddle boarding in Turkey because I reckon I can now avoid falling in and copping a mouthful of someone else’s botty cigar.

Dalaman airport is massive now, there must be at least a billion flights in and out of Turkey per day, which would make it the universe’s busiest airport bar none, and the folk that own it probably have a mansion in every Turkish state, and i’ll tell you why. One word: Fiji (water)

OK two words but I believe Fijian Water is the root to the wealth generated in and around the airport. There must be a direct line to Fijian water from Dalaman, the only place that Fijian water can be found save for Fiji of course, but its only £300 to fly to Turkey and I have no idea how much it would be to get to the South Pacific, its been a long time, and I seriously doubt i’ll get there again in my life time, maybe in someone elses, the way things are shaping up to be in the very near future with our new PM, probably Monday, Dog help us.

It may have been my round, it may not have been my round, but my modus operandi regards airports is to get through customs, baggage checks and what ever else and get a seat in a pub, bar, cafe, whatever. Then dump the hand luggage and if you want to go shopping then break a leg, fill your boots. I’m rather fond of sitting down, especially around 10pm with a 4 hour flight ahead extending into somewhere among the witching hours. So I got us a tabel for 8, I got the waiter, and I ordered some drinks. 1 beer (about a pint) 2 cokes, 1 tango and 2 bottles of water (500ml times 2). How little did I know that when the bill came it was to be 650 Turkish Lira; in todays money £30.75. £8.51 for the beer, £3.31 for the two Cokes and Fanta and £6.15 per 500ml of water. I KNOW!!!

In Turkey, actually in Turkey, rather than in the airport, the busiest and richest in the world, water was about 5 TL for a litre which is 260 times less than the Fijian water which we were given in the bar. Of course I complained, and I argued but it was more out of disbelief than expecting anything back like a refund.The damage was done and the seals were broken, we were thirsty, and so I just entered a fug of bitter disappointment, a sadness with the human condition of which i’m barely through now, 3 days after the event. The waiter merely said;

“We are at the Airport” (THE airport) Everything is expensive, and that is how Dalaman became the richest airport in the world, moreso even than Charles De Gaulle  or somewhere made entirely of gold in the Emirates.The water from Fiji, according to the bottle, is the purest blah blah blah, rainforest, blah blah, and indigenous peoples blah blah, supporting communities blah blah. The water is imported from Fiji (apparently) bottled in London and the company is based in Luxembourg, presumably to take advantage of the Fijian climate present in Luxembourg.  

And so there we have it, by not having drinks menus on the tables of the restaurant I was trapped into buying a round, as many would, because we were all thirsty, as many are, and then by stealth they did me up the arse with a bottle of Fijian water. This isn’t the last of this i’m thinking to myself, I’ve kept the receipt, I’ve got the pictures and unless Fijian Water starts to supply the UK with water, and in which case i’ll keep quiet because I quite like clean, unexcremented water, water without an essence of faeces, then I think i’ll probably pipe down.

260 times man! Thats insane.