To say I find myself in turmoil is maybe a slight exaggeration; for the most part I am a satisfied, happy go lucky chap, comfortable in others company as I am in my own company, in fact I think as I grow older I feel more at home in my body and my mind. I am who I am, I try to be a good person, I am sometimes possibly selfish and maybe I exhibit traits of some taxi drivers I have encountered around the world; selective hearing. The hearing thing maybe actually down to a genuine ear issue; Earssue, I just made that up! Still go it! I am going on holiday to sunny climes this year again and have the chance to make myself beach presentable; I think thats pretty much all I can wish for at this stage in the proceedings! I enjoy sitting down and listening to music or listening to someone speak or joining in with a conversation; not much makes me uncomfortable nowadays and the things which do, I avoid doing. It’s a simple equation for life really;
Stuff which makes you happy – Stuff which you don’t enjoy = Contented existence.
As the Clash said for their ill received swan song, “Cut the Crap.” A good phrase, not such a good album.
From what I remember of my childhood into youth into young adult hood, the inner turmoil began at Christmas (see letter A), and gradually gestated, occasionally being released as a temper tantrum, a period of gratuitous hedonism a selfish spending binge. This inner Turmoil, was, I suspected, and now am absolutely certain to be a result of my adoption. Of my not knowing, anything about my first 10 days as a human being, even less of the weeks after. My life essentially started when I was about 7 weeks old. Now you may think that no one can remember the first 7 weeks of their life and you would be absolutely correct in this assumption, but the fact that mine were a kind of secret, that before week 7 or 8 my identity was different and I was in a limbo state waiting for my new identity, and no one had any idea what it would be, least of all me. I was to be moulded (Nature and Nurture), and because, growing up, I knew that I didn’t know what I could know if only i’d look in the file my dear Dad had told me about all those years ago. Well, this made my insides tighten, as my brain tried to mitigate my over active mind. I spent an awfully huge amount of energy thinking about not thinking, trying to ignore what was the elephant in the room. This period, 38 years, was a time of confusion, uncertainty and great disturbance or Turmoil, Inner leading to Outer Turmoil manifesting itself in Ritual madness soaked in alcohol and awash with drugs. Fun times! But also very dark times when I had the misfortune to slow down.
And then aged 38 I asked my Mum if I could see “my folder” on my way out of the house as an aside. Of course she gave it to me, and couldn’t believe I had taken this long to ask. Silly me! I could have saved myself and others a lot of bother and a lot of grief, but I doubt I would have so much fun and so many exhilarating experiences along the way.
So what’s the answer for a happy life? Avoid the turmoil or embrace it, ride the tornado until it spits you out? You could do that but I think possibly the answer is realising your family; I have a large one of my own , have done for my entire life and they rock, all the generations! Treat them well and listen to them, certainly embarrass them and love them, do your best, what else can you do?
Tricky one tomorrow “U”