May 8th 2018

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As a direct result of the tourists coming into our woods, at least 2 things have occurred, firstly the star wars man from the sign had disappeared, secondly the lego policeman who acted as sentry to the woods had also been swiped from the installation. He was covered in cobwebs, thus people may think he has been there for a while and therefore keep hands off. But no, I’m sure some child will have swiped him, and I’m sure some parent wouldn’t have given a shit or would not have seen the crime. It is a crime, it is taking something which is categorically not yours.

Due to this misdemeanour the woods will be going into lockdown, and the cameras will be switched on. Lego men do not grow on or in trees, they are placed there by people with nothing better to do; maybe to raise a giggle, or even to encourage a smile. In a move akin to President D. Trump, we at the ministry are going to impose severe sanctions on all children who may enter into the wood with or without their parents.

a) Children must be kept on a fixed length lead at all times.

b) Children must be denied access to sweets, biscuits or any type of confectionary whilst within the boundaries of the woods.

c) Children shall be denied access to electronic devices whilst in the woods, leave the photography to an adult.

d) Misidentification of trees and plants will be punishable by not being allowed crisps at the New Inn after walking.

e) Any Children found to be lose in the woods alone will be apprehended and tied to the gate post at the entrance of the woods until their parents come to collect them, they will be given bread and water; we’re not animals.

We at the ministry reserve the right to impose further sanctions at the drop of a hat, depending on which side of the bed we get out of on any particular day.

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Today I saw a hitherto unseen act of selflessness and kindness from M to the Tadpoles. One thing the children do not seem to have ruined this bank holiday was the puddles full of tadpoles. However some of the puddles have shrunk to no more than mud pools due to the hot weather. Another symptom of the hot weather is not wearing  wellington boots, and thus the ability to create streams between puddles by dragging your feet through the mud creating channels to help the free flow of the tadpoles from an area of dryness to the oasis just adjacent to it. We all had walking boots on, and so M, without provocation scooped up about 5 handfuls of thrashing mud locked tadpoles and dropped them into the large puddle where  freedom and safety lie.

M and N also hid from D and C upon entrance to the woods on the walk today, it made us laugh, as did a discussion on the merits of a diet which D, very foolishly mentioned,  without actually having any further information aside from it was to do with allowing the body to starve so it starts to consume itself and then reproduce new health cells to replace the consumed ones. Again it sounds garbled, its like I have done virtually no research, I’ll get my coat. Made us laugh anyway.

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I was here today, this is the River Arrow which runs through Eardisland, what a pretty place, like the cotswolds but without so many of the tour busses.

One comment

  1. **e) Any Children found to be lose in the woods alone will be apprehended and tied to the gate post at the entrance of the woods until their parents come to collect them, they will be given bread and water; we’re not animals.**
    😂😂😂 I love this one. Man, how do stuffs like this even come to your mind. You are genius,😂 overall I really enjoy your writings. Keep on keeping on writing (I am copying your word here) 😁

    Like

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