June 5th 2018

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This is what happened after my early morning run which I took prior to the walk with N, Mrs T nudged me at 6:25, “You’ve got to run”, I knew and was not that interested in doing so, but when i opened the door, smelt the fresh air, took a deep breath and heard the birds tweeting I still didn’t fancy it. I spotted a bald headed man walking slowly down the road who initially I mistook for N, but fell short of flagging him down; there was that slight seed of doubt in my mind. Turned out it wasn’t N, it was the man who runs really strangely; arms flapping like Mr Bean, wears jeans far too tight for a man of his age and has a “Mr Soft” type gait to his walk. I think he’s a grandfather to a child at the school and he comes to watch the sports day and the like, he specialises in looking sinister. There is probably nothing wrong with him, but you can’t help but wonder. Apparently he had a beef with a parish councillor and lunged with his hands onto the bonnet of her car, “a la Renton” in the opening credits of Transporting when he’s running from the police. Renton doesn’t run in a peculiar fashion, this chap does.

It wasn’t N.I did however meet up with him str the pub, the run was torturous and as I write this I feel drained, totally whacked to be honest with you. I’ve moved a load of shit around the garden, replaced a few fence panels, using one of the older ones to fashion an overhanging roof for the log store, i’m in the business of keeping logs dry don’t you know.

We’ve discovered there is a tea leaf in the woods, he or she goes around stealing the lego men from the art installation, I don’t have keys to the lego factory you know, I can’t go around getting lego men whenever I choose to put in the iron tower. I’ve a hunch, I’d say a child is doing this. Why the hell would an adult go around and steal a lego man, in fact why the hell would any adult in his or her right mind go around depositing lego men around the woods in the first place?

The answer to that is more complicated than I had imagined but lets just say, we do it (and I count N,M and C in the group), because it makes us laugh slightly and hopefully may raise a chuckle for anyone else who sees it. Just as I’m banging on about this, many of the other hidden figures are also AWOL, and it has to be kids, it must be, unless it’s the same twat that was doing the abusive graffiti a few months back. I’m beginning to think that a few signs scattered around the woods may be a good idea, warning people off from the desecration and pinching of anything which looks as though it has been put there by a human hand, or anything made of plastic; unless its a bag full of dog shit in which case take it home you morons.

In the spirit of forgiveness I will be putting one more man in the installation, I owe the woods that much, however if the Lego man vanishes again then more sinister avatars will be concocted, Corvine headed voodoo dolls to shit the thieves up.

 

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