After yesterday’s near disaster when I took out a half leg of lamb out of the freezer thinking it was a joint of beef, and having prepared to cook said beef, I managed to avoid the Curved Ball (a ball made from many curves, joint end to end and connected infinitely) thrown to me by my inability to read the label on the meat, or even take a half glance at the meat. Being a blagger this didn’t cause much of a problem, and the ability to remain aloof to the situation was compounded by being permanently pissed on a Sunday, it’s my Holy day. I say Holy, I mean the opposite, its the day when I usually forget to get out of the house early enough to get to the shop and so have to go to the supermarket spending unnecessary money on unnecessary items. I need a series of post it notes all over my life.

Just when you feel that the Lockdown will continue forever and i’m on the brink of despair with no end in sight, holidays for this year seemingly cancelled unless you are important or an influencer (of which I am a minor one, very minor, in so far that I influence myself quite often). Today I was looking through my junk box for an email from my developer telling me how efficient the wheels of snagging are turning in our particular case, when I happened upon an email from David Bowpatch, the deputy director of the FBI in America. After brief introductions he told me that an envelope was seized at JFK airport with documents and a Certified Payment Bond for $4.1 million, addressed to me!! I could not believe my luck and thought to myself that maybe things are starting to look up for this Covid weary chap of Clifton Upon Teme, Worcestershire. Finally, I thought, we can afford the hot tub and the Mediterranean cruise we so yearn for. Reading further I note with some alarm that because of the sum of money involved I could be charged with Tax avoidance and money laundering and this could land me in prison (they said Jail incorrectly) for a very long time unless I comply to the FBI’s demands. They’ve told me they can walk me through the claiming and clearing process, but I’m not allowed to contact my bank manager in Liberia or speak to my dealer in Columbia. I’m really at a loss as to how I can impugn (had to look this one up) this terrible situation I find myself in. Especially as I don’t think they (the FBI) know i’m actually in a small corner of rural Worcestershire. It seems totally legit and any help would be really useful, especially as this would be the money I need to try and get Bail for my Wife who is in prison in Romania on a charge of people trafficking; a missunderstanding caused when she tried to drive 30 sixth formers on a school trip over the border into Hungary in a Transit van at 3 am last November 11th, she was lost and the bus she’d hired to take them to the water park had broken down and this was the replacement transport the recovery company had provided.  

She was in the papers and everything, many column inches so there’s an appetite to get her out I think. Just as an aside if one was to play a massive game of Global hide and seek, where would be the best place to hide do you think, I’m asking for a friend?