On Wednesday I had my annual review. 1 is God like genius, 5 sees you sitting at the bottom of a well. My production rate was a 2, ive worked fucking hard during the pandemic and in the absence of any actual human contact I assumed that it was done deal, i’d get a 2, and thus a massive rise of about 1% non consolidated. Turns out my attitude wasnt up to scratch because on one whatsapp message I outed a product to my team as rubbish. The Boss didnt like and so my eventual score was dropped to 3. Still not too bad, more average, but I shoukdnt be down hearted and should be proud of the good work i’ve done this year. Proud doesn’t buy me an extra 3 coffees a week. And to be told by some cunt on high that my attitude wasn’t up to scratch when we’re at the beginning of a massive mental health explosion due to this year long and counting Plague just doesn’t wash. Apparently there were some other instances in which my attitude wasn’t up to the mark but the company couldn’t  give specific examples. And so i’m left thinking to my self that f i’m going to be marked on attitude from people who haven’t even spoken to me all year then whey the fuck should I bother.

It was at this point on a Thursday Morning when I woke up, logged on and couldn’t manage an ounce of effort to engage with my company that I lost any vestige of respect for them. This ancient well respected and household know company treating its workers with distain. I can change my working patterns; more or less, its not an issue, but to tell me to change my personality when for 22 years I’ve been fine and never an issue, well they can fuck off.

Over the last few years my company has been ticking the boxes to acknowledge mental health issues, we’ve been on courses, we’ve filled in forms but when I woke up on thursday morning, cried on Mrs T’s shoulder and told her i’ve been shat upon and I can not believe why I bothered busting a gut; 50% more than the average for my colleagues. I emailed my boss, my old boss and their boss telling them how upset I was, how let down, unappreciated, and sad I felt. The saddest I’ve ever felt in my 22 years. Its not the money, its the apparent ability to judge a person from afar and not even speaking to them all year. Last year my friend was marked down because he wouldnt go away on business for 2 days because he wouldnt leave his dogs at home, he couldn’t leave them at home, thats the differnece.

Anyway I took to teams on thursday morning after thinking how can I work for these cunts, and sent the email, to which my boss immediately sprouted some sort of empathetical interest and said he was concerned, and said he wanted to talk and I said I couldn’t work, I was distraught. I said I couldn’t work because I couldn’t function and his immediate reply was to ask if I was taking these 2 days as leave. I replied back that I was under the assumption that my company has made a conscious stand to listen and to understand mental illness and as my anguish was bought on by the company then I assumed I could take 2 days off sick. Eventually he agreed.

Just to point out I’m never off sick, and am always chirpy, but as with many people right now we are all struggling, and the time bomb hasn’t gone off just yet. I have been strong and never had an issue at work up until now, and as I write this I am concerned about what is going to be said to me on Monday morning, about the email I sent, which was checked by Mrs T before I sent it, non confrontational and also about how the hell they are going to try to get me on side again. I feel like i’ve spent my chips, I enjoy doing what I doo but I fear, as with everything else, that all the nice people are the people like us, not the people in charge, the people in charge of companies and governments are by in large massive twats, and its now that I realise that fully. Early last week I believed it but now I know it.