In a move planned to save the environment and also give me a nice comfortable quiet place to snooze when i’m out on site at work, my company has decided to provide us with new cars, electric cars or hybrid cars. I would rather not have to drive for work but I do, and I know I could change my job but I’ve got a final salary pension and so the retirement future looks good, despite the permafrost melting, but I’ll be able to buy a floating raft from Amazon and have it delivered before I even think of it, so what do I have to worry about, my mind is a vacant toilet, repeating the slogan “Vagina I love Anthrax” over and over and over again as it’s scrawled in really permanent ink on the back of the door where you hang your coat, or shopping bags.

Yes the research has been done and its time for us to chose a car. Last time I asked any kids what they wanted from a car; leather seats and a sunroof were the answer and so this was the make of car we went for; a blue one. Turned out it was a Honda HRV, which was perfect, so the science of the test drive, seems to me to be bogus, like climate change, so whey the hell are we buying electric cars? Goddam it. Excuse me while I move everything upstairs in my house in the Maldives, it must be sinking into the swamp.

Anyway, the search for a car is proving to mess with my head; I don’t particularly care as long as I spend less money than I am per month than I am now, however as the electric car will be cheaper in tax and fuel and everything else than my Honda car, I feel I should try and save as much as possible.

So in my efforts to be scrupulous and to probe the depths of the electric car world I am now getting further into the discussion with myself as to what car I should go for, a Jag, BMW or Mercedes which I will trash, or a Ford which I will trash, or should I go for the cheaper Hyundai or Skoda which I will trash. I’ve written off 3 of my last 4 company cars; a flood, a rod fell out of the bottom and then I turned one on its roof at about 5mph, I got covered in lego men and pens; the inhabitants of my car. So my frustration lies in how much I suffer this internal squabbling over the car. It’s all coming back to money, interestingly enough rather than the environment, but then if I get an electric car, Is this good for the environment? I think this is a question for another day, and for people far cleverer than myself, especially this bunged up with hay and car fever. My head is so full of information and pollen it fells to be as weighty as Poor John Merrick’s skull. Him of the Leicester parish, along with Daniel Lambert (google him).

Up the Bally Foxes.